THE INFINITE LOVE OF A MOTHER

 



Being a student in Singapore is hard, but being an art student in Singapore is harder.

The materials, printings and fees will cost you an arm and a leg; even your soul if you're unlucky.

My mom thinks I spent my money on unnecessary things, but little did she know every cents and every swipe I made was necessary.

I spent more than $600 on my year 1 assessments and submissions. I paid $100 for my school miscellaneous fees, and spent $600+ on my laptop, $300+ on my camera and approx. $200 on my materials. That adds up to $1800.

Not forgetting my transportation fee. I only started using student concession on April. I had to pay $10 every week for adult fare. That is $400 for 10 months.

I spent on average of $10 a day for lunch. Since there are approx. 20 weekdays in a month, I spent $200; take 9 months of school you get $1,800.

I did not ask my mom for monthly allowance ever since I worked.

So it drives me crazy when my mom kept saying I spend on unnecessary stuffs.

BUT

I couldn't care less,

The amount of money my mom spent on me is immense and uncountable.

If I spend years calculating, I couldn't even get close to the estimated amount of dollars.

But money isn't the only thing.

Imagine the time and effort to raise and nurture me.

The sleepless nights, countless hair falls and the unheard cries and sighs.

The love of a mother is boundless, endless and uncompensated.

No matter how much money you earn or how many commas you have in your bank,

it is impossible to recompense your mom's love and time.

 

I battled through depression since I was in primary-secondary school

It only went worse when I was 15.

My teacher told my parents about my state and self harm.

Even though my mom couldn't understand what was going through in my mind,

she tried.

She was the only reason why I am still here.

I've tried attempted suicide.

But I can't.

Why?

Because I think of my mom and the conditions she would be in if it happened.

She is my pillar of strength and the reason I breathe right in this moment.

I am in a much better state now and I have no one to thank

but my mom and God.

 

My mom does have flaws in parenting;

She couldn't understand the things teenagers has to went through this days.

From the insecurities to the pressure to the sleepless nights of assignments.

She tends to say things without knowing whether it's hurtful or offensive.

She is always emotional and sensitive when she couldn't get the reaction or things she wanted.

And she wouldn't accept anyone unless they are on a certain standards or beliefs.

 

My mom still has a lot of things to improve on;

Like how to keep her opinions to her own self.

Realising that people have different orientations and beliefs.

People are allowed to have different opinions and choices.

Wearing make up or buying facial products doesn't make a guy gay,
or less than a man.

My mom tends to ask sensitive questions.

She will asked; "What will you do if I die?"

I will just nod off but inside, my answer is always the same;

"I will welcome you to heaven, cause I will go before you."

"But if you go before me, you will welcome me."

When I was a toddler my mom always asked me;

"Sayang mummy sampai mana?" (Where does your love towards mummy end?)

And I will respond;

"Sampai syurga" (Till heaven)

I will always look up to her.

She is the epitome of intelligence and beauty,

and definition of wonder woman.

Strong, independent, successful and stern.

 

She still thinks I am an ill-mannered and disrespectful child

Even though I have never lit a cigarette before

nor join a gang before

nor taken drugs before

nor skipped school before

nor came home late night drunk or sober

nor done anything that is rude or intolerable.

She is always questioning my love for her.

I couldn't tell her directly cause I will have tears in my eyes.

So I will just say it here;

The molecules in the air could never be tasted,

And the sight of sadness could never be blurred,

But I will never let your time and love be wasted,

Not even your sleepless nights and cries that was left unheard.

And He who ends the day will end the night,

The day when you lay before me in pure white.

I will not cry with guilt, not even a slight,

Just prayers that will make your grave bright.

I love you mummy.

I will leave you with these hadiths from the Prophet himself.

"A man came to the Prophet and said,

‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship?

The Prophet said: Your mother.

The man said, ‘Then who?'

The Prophet said: Then your mother.

The man further asked, ‘Then who?'

The Prophet said: Then your mother.

The man asked again, ‘Then who?'

The Prophet said: Then your father."