A battle from deep within.

You're not alone.

For my visual arts' assignment, we did some research based on a movie. I did on The Elephant Man.
I never watched it before but when I did, my cheeks were soaked in tears and my eyes were red throughout the whole film.

It is basically about a guy who suffered from severe deformities that makes his face and body look like an elephant. Everyone looked at him with disgust and hatred; during that era, it wasn't normal to see abnormal beings.
Until one day a surgeon wanted a change and took care of him. His life was filled with ups and downs but in the end, he felt like a human, he felt alive. In the final scene, he wanted to feel how a normal human sleeps; he reclined on his bed and suffocated due to the weight of his head. He died in his sleep knowing that everything he wants was achieved and died like a "normal" human. His wish was granted.

This speaks greatly of me. I suffered from eating disorder, anxiety and depression in 2012. Everything goes downhill for me. I felt gloomy and moody every single day. I smiled and laughed but within minutes it hits me back. I constrained my meals and a go on a strict water diet. It was horrific but the results were satisfying, for a short period. I recovered from anorexia at the end of 2013.

I fell into heavy depression 4 months before I sat for my IGCSE. I used to cry every night and cut my wrist with razor blades. It heals me, the feeling of pain calms me down somehow.
I kept cutting myself until my teacher found out, she talked to me personally and informed my parents. I could see the disappointment and disbelief in their eyes, and it kills me even more. In the car back home, I cried and my parents told me that they'll be there for me. On that day onward, they will check my wrists regularly for cuts or bruises. Though that did not stopped me.

I battled with anxiety and still am. I tend to perspire, my vision starts to get blurry and my heart rate will jump out of sudden. The sight of crowd frightens me. I was a victim of bullying since elememtary school. I was different. I wasn't like any other boys who plays soccer and get girls. I was the boy who hangs out with girls and is into arts. I was called names and teased. I've grown to realise I'm not the only boy who is different. I've learnt that it is okay to be different, and it feels amazing.

The whole experience was horrific and I hope I will never fall back into depression nor anorexia ever again. But it seems like I am, with all the things happening right now; from copping up with assignments and classes, to trying to look good and flawless to impress people. It kills me every time I take pictures and my face turns out ugly. It kills me every time I look into the mirror and see my chubby cheeks and big nose. But I'm trying to stay positive and accept me for who I am.

But to anyone out there who battling any mental illnesses, just to let you know someone out there care for you, be it your friends, family or even strangers.
You will recover if you believe in it and work hard for it. Things will get better if you try to make a change. It isn't easy but as time goes by everything will fade and new form of life will branch out. You're worth more than you thought. Please stay. 

 

Diman